We all know the pressure of expectations. Starting with our family of origin, through the school, the workplace, in our private relationships, social media and up to the influences and impressions of the wider society - unpleasant pressure of expectation can occur everywhere.
The circle closes in the expectations that you have taken to this day and now put to yourself. For example, this might sound like this: I have to take a certain job. I have to start a family. I always have to be polite. I can not be selfish. I have to be successful. I can not care for myself. I'm not allowed to show how I really am. I always have to be in a good mood. I'd better pretend that nothing is wrong.
Align life to the expectations of others Such expectations are to unfold the effect in your life and show in your choices; how you are and what you want to do; they are part of how you see yourself, how you perceive your body, which people you turn to, what you think important, what plans you make or how you engage in relationships and conflicts.
Expectations that are simply taken over, that you have delegated to you and that you follow, have consequences. There is pressure; and even if you are able to meet expectations, there may be deep feelings behind not being satisfied, not being right, and having to be different than you actually are.
Expectations are hidden conditions
We usually leave that part of the expectation away. For example, the above sentences could be:
- I have to take a certain profession to find recognition.
- I have to start a family to be happy.
- I always have to be polite to be there.
- I can not be selfish to experience solidarity.
- I have to be successful in order to be valuable.
- I can not take care of myself so that nobody attacks me or punishes me with silence.
- I'm not allowed to show how I really am, so I'm not beaten.
- I always have to be in a good mood to be loved.
As you can see, expectations are actually hard if-then conditions. I have to fulfill an expectation to get a resource that should be freely available; Namely love, recognition, solidarity, importance or the inviolability of their own borders.
The principle of all expectations: Do not feel, do not test
The key to adjusting to expectations is the ability to not feel and not to test. So I always put the needs of other people above my own perceptions and notions that I can slowly and surely forget to name and express.
Often it is virtually forbidden in families or groups to feel and express what is important to oneself - keyword "do not be selfish", "you are so complicated", "now do not be so". In this way, we learn to orient ourselves to the expectations of others and forget to compare them with my own values and desires. "Do not feel, do not test" becomes an only indirectly perceptible, universal rule of life that surrounds us like the air we breathe.
Longing and pressure are connected
This can be good for a long time. But as soon as you can no longer live up to expectations or no longer fulfill them, you will come under pressure. or rather, you become aware of the yearning for another life of pressure under which you live constantly.
In this transitional phase, most of the people who are under the pressure of expectation come to me. On the one hand pressure, suffering and inconsistent behavior are present, while at the same time new possibilities are noticeable as a longing for a better life, for more freedom of choice and good limits.