Not necessarily. Facing conflicts does not mean making a whole conflict.

In fact, the idea is to prevent them, but not avoid them when they are already presented. What difference there is?

Prevent a conflict

When you drive, you avoid hitting other cars.

Cause a conflict

Deliberately crash your car with another.

Avoid a conflict

When you crash your car with another car, you face the problem in the best possible way. What would not help is to run between the cars leaving your car?

If possible, solve the problem and the issue is not so important, avoid it permanently or temporarily.For example; enter into conflict to determine if the movie you just saw is good or not maybe not worth it, because they will not determine if you are good and in the end, it will probably not make a significant difference in their lives.Sometimes it helps to avoid it temporarily so that things “cool down”, but if the problem is recurrent or serious it must be resumed. In couples, using the “we have to talk” formula even for things as simple as using the “wrong” glass to drink milk is counterproductive.

John Gottman says that couples who last a long time and are happy to have these attitudes in relation to conflicts:

  • They know that making a drama for whatever it makes no sense.
  • They recognize that seeking to change aspects of their partner’s personality will bring more frustrations than satisfaction and they will not create conflict over this.
  • When they come into conflict, they first seek to let it go and if not then they seek to resolve it.
  • They recognize that avoiding conflicts brings benefits.
  • Avoiding conflicts do not involve for them giving up relevant needs, it does not damage their identity and they do not see it as losing.

 What to do?

  • If you are with someone like that and is a significant person for you.
  • Make disagreements or conflicts something natural, that seeks resolution and puts less drama on the issue.
  • Avoid basking when you are right and make a tragedy when you are not.
  • If you are a conflict avoider and that brings you problems with yourself or with others.
  • Recognize that facing conflicts may not be pleasant and that is normal.
  • Identify if the matter can be resolved or you have to learn to live with it.
  • Keep the attention more on the resolution of the issue and less on the emotions, which are inevitable.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *